I couldn't sleep again last night, and the spell checker is stuck on French spelling so everything I am writing now is underlined in squiggly red, like everything is wrong wrong wrong. I have dread in my stomach again, the place where it always lies, like a large stone that I swallowed inadvertently. I don't know how to make it go away, or how to be happy, or unstressed, or not worried, because it's always there, in my stomach. It's almost as bad as the dread I felt when I was little, the kind that I wasn't aware of because it was always there, and only realized it had been there after it had gone, when I flinched at loud noises and didn't realize that I'd been doing it until after I had stopped. It's back and I'm afraid I can't ever make it go away.