the bug in the shower

I was taking a shower this morning when I noticed a bug, perhaps a small moth, crawling along the back of the tub. It flew around for a little while and then came to rest upon a porcelain edge close to me. I cupped my hands under the shower, watching the water fill the hollow I made. I poured this water on the bug, and it was swept away down the drain.

I thought about what I had done. The bug wasn't bothering me, it wasn't harming me in any way. Why did I feel the need to kill it? I drowned the bug automatically and without thought, without thinking about the consequences of my actions. Then I started to think about what consequences could possibly arise. I came to realize that there would not be any. Moths do not have families that would miss them if they disappeared. Nobody would care that the moth was dead.

But what if I am wrong? What if I am only telling myself this so that my automatic disregard for life can be pardoned? I keep thinking about how tiny and insignificant humans are in the grand scheme of things. Are we any greater than moths? What if giants came around squashing us when we got in their way? They may not know that we have languages or people that we love. Does that make it okay?

I am not mourning the moth. The fact that the moth is dead does not affect me. The fact that I killed it does.