holy shit i'm tired

My best friend is moving away today, my brother is coming back today.  I had to say goodbye to her and then I stayed up way too late last night.  I'm leaving for college soon, and it hasn't completely sunk in yet.  I've got a job that I haven't started yet, and honestly don't really want to start because I'll be there for less than three weeks anyway. And come on, who wants to be a telemarketer?  Nobody, that's who.  Especially since I would be calling people while they are at work. What up with that?  And then someone has to be bored or desperate enough once every hour that I am there to actually buy the magazines I'm selling.


I'm so excited to leave for the mountains. Nothing is going to be the same anymore, but I think I'm okay with it.  I'm not worried about leaving for school or missing my parents because I'm never with both of them at the same time anyway; I've already left two homes.


Next year, I want to be myself, but better.  I want to be better at something.  I want to be more extroverted, get better grades, become a better writer/musician/anything.  I want to have my own thing.  I want to be ballsy enough to make Gold Lion happen and for Cypress to design the t-shirts. 

creepin on new yorkers who i can't stop thinking about

She was drew crossed with vanessa, except not particularly pretty upon first glance, but she had this energy about her.  She was standing with her boyfriend in the subway, her arms around his neck.  They were both messy, disheveled, cool.  I watched as she perfectly applied dimestore lip gloss, almost red.  The train wobbled, but she didn't need a mirror. She kissed the excess away on her hand, leaving two perfect maps of her mouth behind. She smiled, laughed, seemed so alive and whole. Her eyes sparkled when she talked about how she loved to carry her teal backpack around with her, how perfect it was.  She was a grown child, with overall shorts and that backpack and that cheap lipgloss, but there was something so adult about her too, something I have had yet to experience.  She knew something I didn't.  She was happy and in love and didn't really care about what happened next.

so.

I feel like I haven't written in forever, mostly because I've been...doing things.  So weird. But really.  Let's see. Within the past few weeks, I graduated from high school, went to visit my mom and played in an international youth orchestra there, and went to NYC.  All of the little things in between have prevented me from writing anything at all, here or otherwise.  Justification complete.


It's funny how even though you've done something before, you forget what it's really like after a while.  When I play with an orchestra, even just at school (my OLD school! I don't go there anymore!), I feel really good.  I'm seriously trying to think of a better word to use.  Content? Complete?  Connected? Something that maybe doesn't start with a c?  "Good" is the perfect word.  All of the others reflect some of what I felt, but the best way to say it is "good".  I just feel whole and happy and challenged and like I'm actually doing something for once.  I'm making a sound, everybody's making a sound together.  It's good.  Even if we weren't super great or anything, it didn't really matter.  I was doing something that I loved.